The Cure for Spiritual Memory Loss


And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me.Yet not what I will, but what you will.” (Mark 14:36)

Something has always struck me about this prayer Jesus prays in the garden of Gethsemane. I think it is the vulnerability and rawness of this prayer, of Jesus crying out to his Father. He has reached a point of utter weakness at the end of himself and he needs his Abba Daddy. With the knowledge of what was about to happen and with drops of blood he surrendered to the Father’s will. He was afraid yet he choose to stay aligned with what the Father had destined him to do.

We see the essence of Jesus' humanity in the way he acts and a realness that we can all relate to. At least I can.

I am at a point in my life where I have to make a decision, I am at a crossroad. In front of me are many beautiful roads. Some marked with flowers, others breathtaking views, and roads and roads of adventure. Adventure just waiting for me. There are many things I want to do. Many areas I feel called to and in a way each of these options have something I know are part of my calling. Each of these options are open, and smiling right at me. But still with the overwhelming pressure to make a decision and make it soon, the peace of having open doors has left me.

I have been on this journey learning to trust God and I thought it was over. But recently I have discovered (more like a slap in the face) that learning to trust God is a lifelong process. “You mean I am going to have to continue learning to trust God my ENTIRE LIFE?!”

Yes, that is exactly what I mean. If we stop trusting him, we stop depending on him and then we begin walking out of our own strength.

Once I started to believe that I had this whole trusting God as Father thing down I began walking out of dependence, not on him but on myself. I thought I could handle my future all by myself. I mean I needed him but i didn’t really need him, I was pretty strong. I mean come on, I am a capable human being and I know how to trust. Right?

I realized later on that this “independence” was living and believing that MY WILL was best. I had disregarded and discounted the Father’s perfect will. I would pray for His will to be done in my life but in my heart I was believing that I had to make it happen. That His will wasn’t going to succeed in my life if I didn’t help Him along and fight for it.

The old me (a minute ago) that struggles with trusting God is so silly.No, actually I am just human. I am just a little girl who needs her daddy to intervene and carry her through. I am vulnerable and in utter dependence. I literally can’t do this on my own. I can’t work out my future, let alone handle what is happening right now.

And I have allowed myself to see the beauty in trusting God. The beauty in dependence. It is difficult, but slowly and surely it will be worth it.

I don’t know what decision to make, or if I should even make a decision but this is what I do know. That the Father’s will for my life is much better than "My Will." In fact, like Jesus, I want to choose the Father’s will over mine. I want to choose God’s plan, not my own. Because in the end I must have faith that it will work out exactly as he intended.

So this is what I pray every day; “Abba, your will not mine” And I will pray it over and over again until I believe it, and then again and then again. I don’t want to ever stop needing him, I don’t ever want to stop needing my Abba. I don’t ever want to stop choosing His will over mine.