And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” (Mark 14:36)
I am at a point in my life where I have to make a decision, I am at a crossroad. In front of me are many beautiful roads. Some marked with flowers, others breathtaking views, and roads and roads of adventure. Adventure just waiting for me. There are many things I want to do. Many areas I feel called to and in a way each of these options have something I know are part of my calling. Each of these options are open, and smiling right at me. But still with the overwhelming pressure to make a decision and make it soon, the peace of having open doors has left me.
I have been on this journey learning to trust God and I thought it was over. But recently I have discovered (more like a slap in the face) that learning to trust God is a lifelong process. “You mean I am going to have to continue learning to trust God my ENTIRE LIFE?!” Yes, that is exactly what I mean.
If we stop trusting him, we stop depending on him and then we begin walking out of our own strength.
Once I started to believe that I had this whole trusting God as Father thing down I began walking out of dependence, not on him but on myself. I thought I could handle my future all by myself. I mean I needed him but i didn’t really need him, I was pretty strong. I mean come on, I am a capable human being and I know how to trust. Right? I realized later on that this “independence” was living and believing that MY WILL was best. I had disregarded and discounted the Father’s perfect will. I would pray for His will to be done in my life but in my heart I was believing that I had to make it happen. That His will wasn’t going to succeed in my life if I didn’t help Him along and fight for it.
The old me (a minute ago) that struggles with trusting God is so silly. No, actually I am just human. I am just a little girl who needs her daddy to intervene and carry her through. I am vulnerable and in utter dependence. I literally can’t do this on my own. I can’t work out my future, let alone handle what is happening right now.
And I have allowed myself to see the beauty in trusting God. The beauty in dependence. It is difficult, but slowly and surely it will be worth it.
I don’t know what decision to make, or if I should even make a decision but this is what I do know. That the Father’s will for my life is much better than "My Will." In fact, like Jesus, I want to choose the Father’s will over mine. I want to choose God’s plan, not my own. Because in the end I must have faith that it will work out exactly as he intended.
So this is what I pray every day; “Abba, your will not mine” And I will pray it over and over again until I believe it, and then again and then again. I don’t want to ever stop needing him, I don’t ever want to stop needing my Abba, I don’t ever want to stop choosing His will over mine.