My Struggle with Worth and His Answer
One word that began a wrestle in me over a decade ago.
What am I worth? What is my heart worth? What is my body worth? Am I worth the time, the attention, the love? These are questions that I have never asked out loud, but yet I could feel the rumblings of them flopping up and over inside my heart, wondering, asking and sometimes probably even demanding.
"...we take the reins and we now become the perpetrators against ourselves."
It is like somewhere along the line someone takes from our worth or something gets on a pedestal in our life and says, I don’t know who you think you are. Maybe it is found in between the pauses of an angry parent or in the shameful morning after abuse or amidst the tears of broken relationships. Suddenly the lines begin to blur and what they started, we continue.
It is like we take the reins and we now become the perpetrators against ourselves. It feels almost like a response of, “I can take it from here.” Now it is not your parents who are angry with you but it your inner voice yelling at yourself before you go to sleep. Now it is not someone stealing your dignity but it is you violating yourself when you feel lonely.
Now it is not your love leaving you but you leaving before you could ever be left again.
It is so seamless and so quick that you don’t even realize it until you wake up to worth.
This is a huge message hidden in the syllables of my own story. Even now, as I write this to you, my heart fully present and tender, worth is something that I still struggle with and though I have come far, I have miles to go.
Worth, like an ocean, is massive and it is gorgeous. It is high and it is wide, almost like an invitation to explore and at the same time, lean back and enjoy.
"I had traded my worth for what I thought I deserved."
I am not sure when I started doubting my worth. There are so many points at which it could have happened and so much of that, we do not even need for details right now.
Somewhere in between being shy or sad or wandering, somewhere in between broken relationships all around, somewhere in between innocence lost and innocence given, there was a transaction that took place.
Where I had traded my worth for what I thought I deserved.
No one needed me to say it to them, but it was written along my life like whispered poetry. In the spaces of maybe not washing my hair or feeding myself with the wrong things or acting insecure and unwanted or throwing myself to the wolves while the King stood by and wept.
"He replaced my worth with what He is worth."
I will never forget the first time He told me He loved me and I will not forget the first time He told me He liked me. I will not forget what it sounded like when He told me I was worth it and what happened to the beat of my heart when He let me know that even if I played with fire every day, He’d still love me, still want me, still hold me.
Like He took what I thought I was worth and replaced it with His. He replaced my worth with what He is worth.
Worth all the Father’s love. All the Father’s affection. All the Father’s attention. All the Father’s devotion.
Worth all the Father’s inheritance. All the Father’s goodness. All the Father’s blessing. All the Father’s peace. All the Father’s singing.
Can we just stop there and drink that in? We were made to breathe this stuff in like oxygen.
It uproots anything that says that worth is anchored on the past or lifestyle or relationships or status and it shouts from the rooftops that worth is only anchored in Him who loves.
And I feel like that is something I can stand on.
"Accepted is already my nature."
I can build my life on His worth. To think He gave it to me for free; it leaves my heart so undone, unlocking every chain and snipping every rope, setting me free.
Even today as I gaze upon the landscape of my life and see expressions of unworthiness, I am encouraged to lean in closer to Him. He knows. He knows more than I know and sometimes when I am going throughout my day, I can see Him.
When I am trying to make my bed, it is like I can see Him running under my covers just to make me giggle.
When I go to process my day and the inner critic rises up in me, it is like I can hear Him telling it to hush taking me into an embrace.
When I am meeting a friend for coffee, it is like His voice is beside me at that table singing to me that accepted is already my nature.
When I am brushing my hair and putting on my make-up, it is like I can see Him in my mirror letting me know that I never looked more beautiful.
He did not give me His worth and then tell me I needed to figure it out on my own but He gave me His worth so that every day He can unravel and reveal it more.
Sometimes like a fire, sometimes like a wind, sometimes like the rain, but sometimes just as a whisper He comes.
Even now I know that our eyes are opening wide to see Him.
He is leaning in with you just as you are reading this and if you look up to see Him, it is written all over His eyes and shouting from His insides, “You are worth it all!”
Nothing is more true in all the world.
You are worth it all.
Originally Published on The Story Project.